A Bit of a Pickle

[ManifestInTheFlesh]

I am a guy, age 18, engaged to a girl, also 18. We have been together for about 2.5 years and are very in love and ready to get married. The problem is her mother (whom I love) says she will not bless or support our marriage unless we wait until her daughter, my fiance, has graduated from college with an associate's degree in about 1.5 years.

I understand where she's coming from. She's a single mom and gave birth to my fiance, her only child, when she was 21. She wants to be sure that my fiance has a firm financial foundation when she moves out and starts her own life. However, my fiance's mother has never been married (she doesn't believe that marriage has any real significance) and lives with her boyfriend.

So this is where I'm coming from. I believe that the Bible should be my life's authority and Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that "if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." My fiance and I had sex before we were saved and, after we were saved, we stopped and it was absolutely no problem to abstain because the knowledge of the wonderful salvation we had received was fresh in our hearts. However, after about a year, we began to struggle with sexual temptation but we were able to resist. As time went on, we began to succumb to the temptation and we've been on and off with our sex life together since. We, but mostly I, have felt strong conviction regarding these sexual acts and it has become painfully obvious that it is time for us to get married!

My fiance's mother knows this and is still unwilling that we should marry sooner. She claims that she understands our predicament but still continues her own ungodly and fornicating lifestyle! It makes me angry and makes me wonder what is really the right thing to do. Obey the Bible and get married to avoid fornication (1 Corinthians 7: 2) or obey my fiance's mother who doesn't obey the Bible and is committing the very sin we are trying to escape?

I know the Bible commands us to honor our parents. But it also says that we should obey the Bible before we obey some earthly authority which opposes it. Any thoughts, testimonies, advice? I want to do the right thing.

 

[Mike]

Welcome to CFnet. That IS a pickle.

Ordinarily, I'd counsel you to wait and honor her parents, but it doesn't sound like her mother is concerned with "blessing" anything. If you two can make it on your own, and if she won't have conflict over your decision, I would say it's best to start a family that honors God. It just doesn't sound like a healthy home she was raised and lives in, but praise God that she was brought to faith.

This is a big decision, and I pray you fully consider everything. God bless you two.

 

[jasoncran]

well if you aint attending a church, do find one and get hooked into some marriage counseling or premaritial.

children indeed are a blessing but they are difficult at times. well worth it.

its time i told my step-daughter that if nathans dad will let me i will adopt him.

 

[handy]

I have two friends that were married this summer and were in pretty much the same situation as you.

He comes from a Christian family and wouldn't dream of living with someone outside of marriage. She is a Christian woman who wants to live a godly life, but she comes from a non-Christian family. Her family put a lot of pressure on her and on him, to not marry but to live with each other until they both graduated college.

They decided to marry. They are both over 18 and his parents, at least, gave their blessing to the marriage, as well as their church and Christian friends. Her family didn't like it, but they did attend the wedding and were presented a wonderful gospel message.

Don't be angry with your wife's mother. She is simply a person living without Christ and is making decisions based upon what she obviously believes is the best way to live. And, yes, as a mother, she should be honored, but not over and above God, Whose will must be honored first and foremost.

So get married. It will be a struggle at first, but no more of a struggle than living together. Hopefully, your family and your church will be a source of help and support for the two of you as you start out your married life.

Since the two of you are 18, I will advise holding off on having kids for a few years...not for the purpose of "seeing if it will work out". If you're not confident it will work out, then you shouldn't get married. But, waiting on having kids will give the two of you time to make a solid foundation in your marriage, grow together some, and get yourselves set financially before babies start showing up.

 

[pHghost]

I think there is a third perspective you ought to consider.

Now, to outline:

You have the verse from the Corinthians, which I personally see as a gesture from our merciful God towards those of weak will. If you cannot help it, then it is better for you to marry. It is not a commandment or a law. It is God saying he understands that the urges we have are sometimes stronger than us.

Honor you father and your mother, on the contrary, is a commandment. However hard and inconvenient it might be in certain situations, this is what the Lord asks of us.

Which leads me to:

Maybe this is a test set for you by God? Maybe he is asking you to become strong in overcoming temptation? The fact that you have had sex in the past might be the exact reason for this kind of test.

Consider this and make your decision based on your conscience, and may the Lord lead you the right way.

God bless.

 

[highlife]

Ah this reminds me of why I did not date when I was 16-18, the meddeling parents and lack of private space. When you are your own person with your own money (lots of it) it is MUCH easier to write others off and do your own thing, instead of groveling like some peasant. You can take in information and add your own filters instead of being forced to filter information in a certian way becuase of fears of consequences.

If her mom is dead set on making your guys life hell and you dont have the financial means to insulate her from that behavior then the marriage is going to fall apart. You can honor parents while still maintaining healthy boundries, but if you are relying on them for ANYTHING or your wife does not have solid boundries your marriage will fail. When your relying on someone that has an agenda contrary to your own you are indeed in a pickle, its why nations blow each other up.

 

[ChristianNationalist]

I do have a question, is her mother a Christian? As she is living in sin (perhaps) I will assume she is not. Some say that the act of having sex means you are married in the eyes of God.

If she's not Christian, then her concerns must be of the pure legal definition. I think you can actually be married in a church ceremony without registering with the government, which means you would be married in the eyes of God but not in the eyes of the government. That means that your fiance would not have all of the legal obligations of marriage that her mother is probably worried about. Unfortunately that means that neither of you will have all the legal protections spouses enjoy. It would also depend upon which state you live in, some states consider you married if you've been living together for seven years even without registering your marriage and some even consider you married if you stay in the same hotel room for one night!

I am no lawyer so all of my suppositions above may be completely wrong. I would suggest contacting a lawyer to see if you could become married as Christians without being legally married by secular law. Secular law is meaningless to God, it's just a formality and is completely disposable for those who don't feel they need it.

 

[SMOOCH]

your absolutely right that is a pickle.. if you absolutely believe that your union won't hinder her from graduating and becoming successful in her professional life and that yall cant keep yourselves from "knowing" each other it would be the best thing for you to get married. Maybe do something really small and intimate then after she graduates have a wedding that way she wont have to plan a wedding while matriculating and showing her mom that marriage hasnt stopped her from accomplishing.