I misled us on the issue of divorce - wrong interpretation

[Wrg1405]

I will say that I don't believe that the two reasons for scriptural divorce mean you can never remarry. Seems unfair if someone walks out on you or is treating you immorally (adultery and abuse)--those things are all serious breeches of the marriage contract. Especially unfair when children are involved--when my mother remarried it was because she wanted us (me and my brother) to have a stable home and a good male role model. Of course you can't base doctrine off of feelings, but this is also based on my reading of the verses.

I agree with you. My mum got married twice. I never knew my real father. I only have two memories of him. I reckon I was about 4 at the time. The first one was of my mother shouting out of the window for the police to come up. He had broken through the door to the house and then blocked it. He then went for my mum, threw a punch at her. He missed and I was behind her, that punch hit me right on my nose (and I still suffer the physical consequences) the police broke through and then I remember them beating him to a pulp. The next memory was many years later when he came to find my me. I was pulled out of school because they thought he was a paedophile . My mum had remarried, anyway my next memory was of my stepfather beating my dad to a pulp.

Next memory. My mum and stepfather marriage was a disaster. Long story short. They had been to the pub and came back arguing (not unusual and alcohol induced) anyway he tells her in a nasty way to go away, throws her out of the house and locks the door. She knocks on the door and then tries to knock out the glass to open the door. As a result a shard of glass rips open the artery in her wrist and she almosts dies.

At the age of 14 my mum threw me out. I was taken in by a Christian family. Spent the next 5 years trying to fend off being sexually abused by my Foster Father 24/7

I suffer today 42 years later from that first event. I find it difficult to relate to God as a Father, I am waiting for smack on the nose, the next beating.

Yes God is my role model, I seek to be the Father he tells me to be to my kids. Praise God I am, even though I don't get it for myself. But do you know what, I love my kids, they love me, I don't beat them, I don't abuse them. They talk to me, they hug me, they know I love them.

My wife and I have talked about the subject here. We think that it's right for a wife or husband to divorce the other if they are unfaithful, whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse, any type of continual abuse that continually hurts the other person.

Sorry if the above distresses you and if you don't agree with me. Just sharing my experience and like questdriven if divorce has bought something good, to me that is Gods promise to us. He promises to work good in all things for his children, he never promised to all the bad things good, but promised that he would work in our circumstances for his good and ours.

 

[OzSpen]

I agree with you. My mum got married twice. I never knew my real father. I only have two memories of him. I reckon I was about 4 at the time. The first one was of my mother shouting out of the window for the police to come up. He had broken through the door to the house and then blocked it. He then went for my mum, threw a punch at her. He missed and I was behind her, that punch hit me right on my nose (and I still suffer the physical consequences) the police broke through and then I remember them beating him to a pulp. The next memory was many years later when he came to find my me. I was pulled out of school because they thought he was a paedophile . My mum had remarried, anyway my next memory was of my stepfather beating my dad to a pulp.

Next memory. My mum and stepfather marriage was a disaster. Long story short. They had been to the pub and came back arguing (not unusual and alcohol induced) anyway he tells her in a nasty way to go away, throws her out of the house and locks the door. She knocks on the door and then tries to knock out the glass to open the door. As a result a shard of glass rips open the artery in her wrist and she almosts dies.

At the age of 14 my mum threw me out. I was taken in by a Christian family. Spent the next 5 years trying to fend off being sexually abused by my Foster Father 24/7

I suffer today 42 years later from that first event. I find it difficult to relate to God as a Father, I am waiting for smack on the nose, the next beating.

Yes God is my role model, I seek to be the Father he tells me to be to my kids. Praise God I am, even though I don't get it for myself. But do you know what, I love my kids, they love me, I don't beat them, I don't abuse them. They talk to me, they hug me, they know I love them.

My wife and I have talked about the subject here. We think that it's right for a wife or husband to divorce the other if they are unfaithful, whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse, any type of continual abuse that continually hurts the other person.

Sorry if the above distresses you and if you don't agree with me. Just sharing my experience and like questdriven if divorce has bought something good, to me that is Gods promise to us. He promises to work good in all things for his children, he never promised to all the bad things good, but promised that he would work in our circumstances for his good and ours.

Wrg,

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. This helps people gain an understanding of what is happening in the real world. Yours is a tragic story but it needs to be told.

I spent 34 years of my life in marriage, family and youth counselling (the last 17 years full-time as counsellor and counselling manager before I retired 4 years ago) and I know that what you describe is reality for some in your world and my part of the world.

Distressed family situations make it so difficult for legalists to understand why divorce is sometimes necessary for the safety of the family.

Blessings,
Oz

 

[Wrg1405]

Wrg,

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. This helps people gain an understanding of what is happening in the real world. Yours is a tragic story but it needs to be told.

I spent 34 years of my life in marriage, family and youth counselling (the last 17 years full-time as counsellor and counselling manager before I retired 4 years ago) and I know that what you describe is reality for some in your world and my part of the world.

Distressed family situations make it so difficult for legalists to understand why divorce is sometimes necessary for the safety of the family.

Blessings,
Oz

Firstly, thank you for your kind words and secondly thank you so much for your ministry in following your calling to counsell others. You are an amazing person. The counselling I received was "Forgive and move on" if only it was that easy. Praise God having sort him he is starting to heal the hurt and the memories and breaking down the barriers I have built up. Father bless you.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I agree with you. My mum got married twice. I never knew my real father. I only have two memories of him. I reckon I was about 4 at the time. The first one was of my mother shouting out of the window for the police to come up. He had broken through the door to the house and then blocked it. He then went for my mum, threw a punch at her. He missed and I was behind her, that punch hit me right on my nose (and I still suffer the physical consequences) the police broke through and then I remember them beating him to a pulp. The next memory was many years later when he came to find my me. I was pulled out of school because they thought he was a paedophile . My mum had remarried, anyway my next memory was of my stepfather beating my dad to a pulp.

Next memory. My mum and stepfather marriage was a disaster. Long story short. They had been to the pub and came back arguing (not unusual and alcohol induced) anyway he tells her in a nasty way to go away, throws her out of the house and locks the door. She knocks on the door and then tries to knock out the glass to open the door. As a result a shard of glass rips open the artery in her wrist and she almosts dies.

At the age of 14 my mum threw me out. I was taken in by a Christian family. Spent the next 5 years trying to fend off being sexually abused by my Foster Father 24/7

I suffer today 42 years later from that first event. I find it difficult to relate to God as a Father, I am waiting for smack on the nose, the next beating.

Yes God is my role model, I seek to be the Father he tells me to be to my kids. Praise God I am, even though I don't get it for myself. But do you know what, I love my kids, they love me, I don't beat them, I don't abuse them. They talk to me, they hug me, they know I love them.

My wife and I have talked about the subject here. We think that it's right for a wife or husband to divorce the other if they are unfaithful, whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse, any type of continual abuse that continually hurts the other person.

Sorry if the above distresses you and if you don't agree with me. Just sharing my experience and like questdriven if divorce has bought something good, to me that is Gods promise to us. He promises to work good in all things for his children, he never promised to all the bad things good, but promised that he would work in our circumstances for his good and ours.

My father wasn't as bad (not physically abusive), but I definitely believe we're better off without him. I was too young to understand what was happening at the time and there are things I'm just understanding now.
I feel like it's not my place to go into more details, both because I'm not sure if my mom would appreciate it and because I've never actually been angry at my father (again, I was too young to understand) and part of me is afraid he might come across this post. (However unlikely that is.)

 

[Wrg1405]

My father wasn't as bad (not physically abusive), but I definitely believe we're better off without him. I was too young to understand what was happening at the time and there are things I'm just understanding now.
I feel like it's not my place to go into more details, both because I'm not sure if my mom would appreciate it and because I've never actually been angry at my father (again, I was too young to understand) and part of me is afraid he might come across this post. (However unlikely that is.)

I get you. The only reason I posted was because I know all the parties involved are no longer around, well my mum is but I know she won't read this thread as she does not have Internet, but also God in his grace has reconciled us and we have talked everything that happened through and we are now mother and son with the love that the relationship brings. I would not have posted if that were not the case, I assure you.

 

[Wrg1405]

I get you. The only reason I posted was because I know all the parties involved are no longer around, well my mum is but I know she won't read this thread as she does not have Internet, but also God in his grace has reconciled us and we have talked everything that happened through and we are now mother and son with the love that the relationship brings. I would not have posted if that were not the case, I assure you.

In fact my mum who was bought up as Muslim, now preaches Jesus and thanks me and my wife for this. Although it's God who has worked in her.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I get you. The only reason I posted was because I know all the parties involved are no longer around, well my mum is but I know she won't read this thread as she does not have Internet, but also God in his grace has reconciled us and we have talked everything that happened through and we are now mother and son with the love that the relationship brings. I would not have posted if that were not the case, I assure you.

My father hasn't contacted me in years and for now I prefer to keep it that way. (If he contacted me I wouldn't turn him away, though.) I had occasional contact with him throughout my childhood, my mom never tried to make us hate or deny him visitation rights, but I didn't have the feelings I have now since I was a child then. Maybe I can reconcile with him one day.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Come to think of it, why is talking/thinking about this bothering me so much? I was never all that upset about it before.

 

[OzSpen]

Firstly, thank you for your kind words and secondly thank you so much for your ministry in following your calling to counsell others. You are an amazing person. The counselling I received was "Forgive and move on" if only it was that easy. Praise God having sort him he is starting to heal the hurt and the memories and breaking down the barriers I have built up. Father bless you.

Wrg,

I would never say, 'Forgive and move on'. Forgiveness is needed at some point in your journey, but key issues in counselling have to deal with the current impact on you, how you are dealing with it, and pursuing other ways of responding. Healing broken and shattered hearts can be a long process. Working with a person through practical steps of help and healing are often needed.

Keep at it, brother.

Oz

 

[Wrg1405]

My father hasn't contacted me in years and for now I prefer to keep it that way. (If he contacted me I wouldn't turn him away, though.) I had occasional contact with him throughout my childhood, my mom never tried to make us hate or deny him visitation rights, but I didn't have the feelings I have now since I was a child then. Maybe I can reconcile with him one day.

I hope you can. I would also ask have you truly forgiven him?

 

[Wrg1405]

Wrg,

I would never say, 'Forgive and move on'. Forgiveness is needed at some point in your journey, but key issues in counselling have to deal with the current impact on you, how you are dealing with it, and pursuing other ways of responding. Healing broken and shattered hearts can be a long process. Working with a person through practical steps of help and healing are often needed.

Keep at it, brother.

Oz

Not sure what your thoughts are but I beleive forgiveness is the essential point for the start of the journey.

Theologian Lewis Smedes writes, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness. (H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)

When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future. (Bernard Meltzer)

Thanks for your encouragement

 

[evenifigoalone]

I hope you can. I would also ask have you truly forgiven him?

I don't know? I thought because I never felt upset at him before that I had.

 

[Wrg1405]

I don't know? I thought because I never felt upset at him before that I had.

I talked about my Foster dad. I carried unforgivness in my heart towards him for 30 years. I couldn't wait for him to die, get him out of mind and life. Truth is God knew better. I had to forgive him before he died. That I did and I held his hand while he was dying. I was set free before I held his hand and before he died.

 

[LovethroughDove]

I agree with your interpretation now Classik.

 

[reba]

The mercy and Grace of our LORD
Wrg1405

 

[Mike]

We know as Christians that all the rules, laws, and commandments God has given to us are for our own good. To those who don't know Him, they seem suffocating, but we know they are so that we may live life abundantly. We know how our heart feels when we live our lives the way He designed them to be lived.

As a father of three who are growing into adulthood, I've seen my kids make decisions that were more painful for me than it was for them. I want to make all their decisions. I want to set the path for their lives so that they walk exactly where I know they should go, but they don't always do that.

The greatest joys of fatherhood come with the deepest pain when you love them so much you'd give your life for them. I can't do that, but God can, and He did. Have I lost one ounce of love for them, because they turned from what I wanted of them and went their own way? Not an ounce. My love for them overcomes any pain they have caused me, and I have forgiven them too many times to count. How much more does the perfect love of God overcome than mine for my children? Most of the time, divorce is not the path He would have us take, but too many take it.

Does anyone believe half of the unions He created should be ended by us? Do any of us believe the divorce rate among believers should be comparable to that of the secular world? Of course there are circumstances where it is necessary, but I don't believe that's what we're talking about here. What kind of testimony are we giving the world when we bail out as often as they do? Our marrages should be evidence of His love. Whatever percentage of divorces each of us thinks are legitimate, I'm sure we'd all agree it's a lot lower than 50%. A lot lower. I believe this grieves the Lord.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I guess I'm just a little too emotionally invested in this topic. It's not that I am trying to justify divorce or anything, but since this topic promotes a more extreme position (remarriage never being acceptable except in cases of death), I feel a little on the defensive. In the majority of cases divorce and remarriage isn't okay.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Distressed family situations make it so difficult for legalists to understand why divorce is sometimes necessary for the safety of the family.

I believe that physical separation may be necessary for the safety of the family. That takes care of the problem of making yourself and your family a convenient punching bag for your spouse while preserving God's desire that a couple not divorce. It's only common sense that a person would move out of the way of a physical beating. You don't have to divorce to do that...unless one is dead set on thinking that it's unreasonable to be married but not be married.

I know our human impulse to be married is strong, but why does separating from a spouse always have to mean potentially being with another? I'm not asking for an answer. I'm just pointing out that we seem to be incapable of accepting the harsh reality that God seems to want us to not divorce even if it means not having a marriage in our marriage.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I suppose because being bound to someone who clearly does not have your best interest at heart and may never have your best interest at heart is rather undesirable. We have Bible verses on it being better to marry than to burn, so being bound to someone who you have to separate from....

Also, abusers often "groom" their victims--make them feel safe at first, make them run to them, when really they're just wanting to use them. Their true motives show up later. Though the Bible does not really address the topic of spousal abuse so far as I'm aware, so that's an area where I'm just a little outside of scripture. I would support divorce in the case of spousal abuse, maybe I'm wrong for it, but I can't not support it in good conscience. (Whereas in the rest of my commentary in this thread I am confident that scripture backs me up.)

 

[Warrior4Jesus]

God hates lies, hatred for one another, greed, selfishness, unforgiving spirits, haughtiness, etc etc so on and so forth. If any is guilty of these consider yourself in the same boat. But then enter Jesus who Came for us and now we are forgiven. God loves us and grace and mercy abound. And we are to repent because we love him and are grateful for all he has done for us. If we don't that is between God and us and others are not to pass judgement on each other because the judgment they use on others will be used on them. But if we are to follow God and what his word says we should share what we know to be true with one another in love and not bring a brother or sister to anger with harshness. A non biblical saying is you catch more flies with honey.