btw I view Nihilism as a way to search for truth without being encumbered by morals(THE REASON I R ONE).
Doesn't sound like you're searching very hard. In fact, it sounds like you're very fixed in your resolve. It's almost as if nihilism has become your place of refuge. You're digging your heels in and hunkering down, because you feel "secure" there.
The problem is, you build that trench deeper and deeper, and it becomes harder and harder to see the light. But it's not hard for God to reach you where ever you are. Light always overtakes darkness. I was in my lit-up bedroom and looked into my closet. It was dark in there, but light was piercing into it. When I went in and shut the door, I found it was all dark. But when I opened the door light streamed into the darkness, because that's what light does. Another thing I noticed was that the darkness of the closet didn't effect the lit room. Darkness can't overtake light.
MN, you are in a dark place, and if you're truly searching, you'll keep that door open so the LIGHT can still pierce your darkness. We are called to be His light to the world.
Matthew 5
14 “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
I do pray that you don't let pride be a ever-growing wall between yourself and God. I pray you suck it up and humbly seek the Truth. You have an amazing heart. I hear that in you. This I guarantee... the moment you truly bask in His Light, will be the moment you find the Truth you seek, and your life will never be the same.
I won't chase you around this board begging you to surrender to His Light from now on. That was just one sermon, no charge, on the house.
Now back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.