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The typical track of every believer, and why I departed from the "conditional security" camps of believers.
I "experienced" in a very real internal compelling way, the Love of God in Christ some 34 plus years ago. It changed me, instantly. I was "in Love with God in Christ," and still very much am.
As such I was instantly, accutely aware to be "good" as this was my "new nature." I fought against every sin. No swearing, no looking at women with lustful intents. No sin would cross my lips. I made, as Job proposed, a "covenant" with my own eyes.
Job 31:1
I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?
I was in continual "shields up" postions against every "external form of sin." And I generally propose that for my life to this day.
BUT, eventually the very tight guard and sin hunting in my own life betrayed me. A stray thought, entering in. Where did THAT come from? I did not "want" such thoughts. "I" can eliminate them!
And of course, the harder I tried, the closer I examined this "internal dilemma," I was unable to achieve the very success I so quested for. In fact, I might even consider that in my own "microscopic" internal sights it may have even gotten worse.
So I fell headlong into ritualism. Think a sin, repent immediately, on the spot. Pray for forgiveness. Go on to the next 'sinful thought' engagement. Around and around and around I'd go. Being "in Grace" one moment, and in the next moment, question my "eternal security" for lack of repentance and the exercise of these various "little rituals" we engage in to "get ourselves" back into good graces, lest we fall.
Needless to say that after chasing my tail on this, and seeing the utter futility of continually falling in and out of Grace, of questioning my own "eternal security" almost daily, it finally wore me out. And I then began to look DEEPER into this matter, seeing how this endless cycle is so utterly futile. I could not live and love with one foot continually being "in and out" of the potential of eternal hell's fires. Nor would I deceive myself about having evil thoughts to deal with. These could not be the possible "basis" for my individual fate to potential hell. It was virtually impossible to gloss over "my internal reality" in the quests to "eliminate" all sin in thought, word and or deed.
The first step out was leaving the roman catholic church. After all the confessions, acts of contrition, repentance, and summation in "communion," thinking myself TOTALLY CLEAN, I would no sooner turn away from the altar and be assailed by an imperfect thought. The harder I tried to "hold on to the internal perfections of thoughts, the faster they would disolve. I said to myself, there is just something wrong with this entire exercise, if it can not hold me and keep me from this "prisoners" dilemma. Therefore all this show was just that. A religious show that people attempt to use to make themselves "feel good," if only for a moment. I was more resolute. I did not want this to be fleeting feel good, I wanted permanent feel good. I did not want my thoughts to be intruded upon.
And so I turned to the charismatics. Oh, how they seemed so more alive with their faith, their expressions, their resolute resolve that "whatever we think or ask God in Christ will be GRANTED! Yes, there was my answer. Name it and just CLAIM it, and it will be YOURS. And so began my "career" of faith associations with them. But it did not take long to realize that even they in their persistent ZEAL, were dealing with the same issues. Most of them who claimed and sought prosperity were in fact made even poorer and broker. Those who named and claimed "physical health" often wound up in even worse shape than they started with. And then came the condemnation for "lack of faith." It did not happen for this reason or that reason, and the reasons of course were all to condemn the adherents for their lack of faith.
I resolved one time to not say or think a single bad thought about any person, thinking, by "extensions" that this would cure me. And invariably, there would be a "challenge" brought before me in this endeavor. And I would FAIL in my mind, and often in word to boot.
So, in the end, I had to see that all of their quests and mine in all the resolve of faith were just another religious fantasy, not much different than the roman catholics cycles. In neither camp were the adherents proposed any form of "eternal security." None. In the case of the rcc, they could not even tell if a person was saved or not. Only their saints were assured, but as to the fate of everyone else, they simply did not know, and said, well, that is the best you're going to get. You might be. You are generally "assured" but we can't really solidly determine any form of surety for salvation.
And it was even worse amongst the charismatics. Any failure of faith could also be a possible fate of failure of salvation. So everyone remained in a continuing tenuous position, as to their "eternal fate." My last episode with "home charismatic church" even the pastor and his wife were of a split opinion on the matters, and still are to this day. And this "internal fear" drives that man to relentlessly "save souls" because he himself is afraid that if he doesn't, that others and possibly he himself will NOT BE SAVED. He is internally relentlessly driven by this FEAR. And of course he "spreads" this fear to everyone, in an attempt to "shock them" into being saved by threatening them.
I had never even heard of "eternal security of the believer" until I was in the christian space for several years. So at the end of my "home charismatic/pentacostal" church experience, I was made aware of the position, and decided it was time to "break out the books" on the subject and study it. The first book I read on the subject was written by Lewis Sperry Chafer, former (now deceased) head of the Dallas Theological Seminary, called simply, "Grace." And this book delved quite nicely into that side of the equations of scriptures, which I had not prior considered. So, after I read the "scripture proofs" and other related presentations in this direction, and pondered and prayed about it, I was finally "convinced" that this could be the only logical conclusion. And from that I have never looked back.
I can not live and love in Christ being constantly dangled on the precipice of eternal hell. It does not work. In all of those efforts, I was merely a slave of fear, trying in vain to save my own sorry hide.
I found REST in The Eternal Love, Grace and Mercy of Jesus Christ, our Lord. And this began to "tame" my 'savage beast' who was prior compelled by FEAR and was made into a servant of that FEAR.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
I "experienced" in a very real internal compelling way, the Love of God in Christ some 34 plus years ago. It changed me, instantly. I was "in Love with God in Christ," and still very much am.
As such I was instantly, accutely aware to be "good" as this was my "new nature." I fought against every sin. No swearing, no looking at women with lustful intents. No sin would cross my lips. I made, as Job proposed, a "covenant" with my own eyes.
Job 31:1
I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?
I was in continual "shields up" postions against every "external form of sin." And I generally propose that for my life to this day.
BUT, eventually the very tight guard and sin hunting in my own life betrayed me. A stray thought, entering in. Where did THAT come from? I did not "want" such thoughts. "I" can eliminate them!
And of course, the harder I tried, the closer I examined this "internal dilemma," I was unable to achieve the very success I so quested for. In fact, I might even consider that in my own "microscopic" internal sights it may have even gotten worse.
So I fell headlong into ritualism. Think a sin, repent immediately, on the spot. Pray for forgiveness. Go on to the next 'sinful thought' engagement. Around and around and around I'd go. Being "in Grace" one moment, and in the next moment, question my "eternal security" for lack of repentance and the exercise of these various "little rituals" we engage in to "get ourselves" back into good graces, lest we fall.
Needless to say that after chasing my tail on this, and seeing the utter futility of continually falling in and out of Grace, of questioning my own "eternal security" almost daily, it finally wore me out. And I then began to look DEEPER into this matter, seeing how this endless cycle is so utterly futile. I could not live and love with one foot continually being "in and out" of the potential of eternal hell's fires. Nor would I deceive myself about having evil thoughts to deal with. These could not be the possible "basis" for my individual fate to potential hell. It was virtually impossible to gloss over "my internal reality" in the quests to "eliminate" all sin in thought, word and or deed.
The first step out was leaving the roman catholic church. After all the confessions, acts of contrition, repentance, and summation in "communion," thinking myself TOTALLY CLEAN, I would no sooner turn away from the altar and be assailed by an imperfect thought. The harder I tried to "hold on to the internal perfections of thoughts, the faster they would disolve. I said to myself, there is just something wrong with this entire exercise, if it can not hold me and keep me from this "prisoners" dilemma. Therefore all this show was just that. A religious show that people attempt to use to make themselves "feel good," if only for a moment. I was more resolute. I did not want this to be fleeting feel good, I wanted permanent feel good. I did not want my thoughts to be intruded upon.
And so I turned to the charismatics. Oh, how they seemed so more alive with their faith, their expressions, their resolute resolve that "whatever we think or ask God in Christ will be GRANTED! Yes, there was my answer. Name it and just CLAIM it, and it will be YOURS. And so began my "career" of faith associations with them. But it did not take long to realize that even they in their persistent ZEAL, were dealing with the same issues. Most of them who claimed and sought prosperity were in fact made even poorer and broker. Those who named and claimed "physical health" often wound up in even worse shape than they started with. And then came the condemnation for "lack of faith." It did not happen for this reason or that reason, and the reasons of course were all to condemn the adherents for their lack of faith.
I resolved one time to not say or think a single bad thought about any person, thinking, by "extensions" that this would cure me. And invariably, there would be a "challenge" brought before me in this endeavor. And I would FAIL in my mind, and often in word to boot.
So, in the end, I had to see that all of their quests and mine in all the resolve of faith were just another religious fantasy, not much different than the roman catholics cycles. In neither camp were the adherents proposed any form of "eternal security." None. In the case of the rcc, they could not even tell if a person was saved or not. Only their saints were assured, but as to the fate of everyone else, they simply did not know, and said, well, that is the best you're going to get. You might be. You are generally "assured" but we can't really solidly determine any form of surety for salvation.
And it was even worse amongst the charismatics. Any failure of faith could also be a possible fate of failure of salvation. So everyone remained in a continuing tenuous position, as to their "eternal fate." My last episode with "home charismatic church" even the pastor and his wife were of a split opinion on the matters, and still are to this day. And this "internal fear" drives that man to relentlessly "save souls" because he himself is afraid that if he doesn't, that others and possibly he himself will NOT BE SAVED. He is internally relentlessly driven by this FEAR. And of course he "spreads" this fear to everyone, in an attempt to "shock them" into being saved by threatening them.
I had never even heard of "eternal security of the believer" until I was in the christian space for several years. So at the end of my "home charismatic/pentacostal" church experience, I was made aware of the position, and decided it was time to "break out the books" on the subject and study it. The first book I read on the subject was written by Lewis Sperry Chafer, former (now deceased) head of the Dallas Theological Seminary, called simply, "Grace." And this book delved quite nicely into that side of the equations of scriptures, which I had not prior considered. So, after I read the "scripture proofs" and other related presentations in this direction, and pondered and prayed about it, I was finally "convinced" that this could be the only logical conclusion. And from that I have never looked back.
I can not live and love in Christ being constantly dangled on the precipice of eternal hell. It does not work. In all of those efforts, I was merely a slave of fear, trying in vain to save my own sorry hide.
I found REST in The Eternal Love, Grace and Mercy of Jesus Christ, our Lord. And this began to "tame" my 'savage beast' who was prior compelled by FEAR and was made into a servant of that FEAR.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
