I found pornography on my husband's cell phone

[Open Hearted]

My husband farms, and anyone married to a farmer knows that especially during harvest season, they leave before the sun comes up and often times they don't get home until everyone is in bed. In my husband's case, it's not just harvest season. He comes from a farming family of 8 siblings and in my mind I categorize them as having a "workaholic" mentality. He keeps himself so very busy all year and these hours are what we are use to. Myself and our 2 kids, son (11) and daughter (9).

If he happens to get in around 8:00, he falls asleep, snoring deeply in the living room when we are going upstairs for bed. So I leave him there and leave the tv on, but shut off the lights.

Two nights ago, I saw his phone next to him on the end table and I took it so I could plug it in, in the kitchen where he always charges it so it would have a full battery in the morning because he also has an agricultural GPS business and needs his phone to make calls.

I just turned it on and swiped it up, not sure why I even looked. I guess because I hadn't talked to him in a few days other than the early morning questioning I do of, where are you going today? What will you do after that field is finished? Not to be a drill sargent, just curious about his day and goals. And it was right there. like a mosaic of porn. My head spun. Every emotion. And our marriage flashed before my eyes of different hints and several denials I've made to myself over the 13 years we've been married and 4 years prior to that where we had a long distance relationship. (an hour and a half of commuting)

I shut the phone off and just went upstairs still reeling. I don't know how much space I have here for background, or if it matters, but I will go into that a little. I like to read my Bible before going to bed. I actually feel relieved when he is asleep at bedtime so that I can read for 5 or 10 minutes and let it sink in without him coming in and turning on the TV or staring at me with sex in his eyes and touching me sexually while I try to read. To me, there is a time and a place and that's not it.

That night, I started googling things about finding porn and searching for things on this subject. I discovered a lot of things that rang very true for me. He has always accused me here and there of not being romantic, not being intimate with him. Wanting me to have affection for him the way I do for the kids. (Which confuses me, I don't understand what that means other than unconditional love. And I tried to make it a point to give him random sincere hugs after he said that and kissie faces which seemed to annoy him). He gets resentful when my favorite cat lays on my chest in the dark morning hours while I sit through his Westerns that are always on. He makes comments that my cat is taunting him, and he wishes I would pay as much attention to him as I do my cat. So I lay my head on his chest and kiss him on the cheek.

When I am taking a bath, I think I'm home alone and I will hear a "creek" and it's quiet. I'll be washing and look up and by the hinge of the door I'll see him watching me and it gives me the creeps. I've "learned" to get use to this after my initial fear. He'll come into the bathroom and say something in an over flirting way, "Hey!" and he'll raise his brows. So I convinced myself, well, we're married, he can see me naked. It's my own complex going on, get over it.

I don't like to undress in front of him. I would rather take my clothes into another room and do it. I would like to feel free to undress in front of him. I wouldn't even care if he watched me. But if he would just maybe...I don't know, admire and say something complimentary and leave it at that. That would actually excite me and draw me towards him intimately. But it's never like that. He's so immediately aroused, that my freedom is done. He'll slide my clothes away so they're out of reach and he'll lay there looking at me sexually and it has to be right now that I lay down and stop what I am doing. No matter the fact that I want to go brush my teeth and wash my face for bed so I can relax too. I know what you're thinking, why don't you just throw your cares away and be with him. Be spontaneous. Well, I have done that. And that's fine, but then the next day it's the same thing.

This is all our relationship is. These elements. He can be in a dead snoring sleep in our bed with the TV on. I am all ready for bed and I come in, I ever so carefully creep onto the bed and slip my Bible to read for a few minutes because I am exhausted and turn the TV to silent and if I make one move too loud or sudden, his eyes open and it's go time. The fact that I am in bed means that I should be aroused and ready to go. And he would like me to initiate sometimes. Even if he bit my head off for some reason that day and it was never resolved, its' because I can't let things go and now I should be ready for "bedtime activities"

Sometimes I already feel "that way" and I'm able to rise to the occasion and it's amazing. But unfortunately that is only a couple of times a month.

I am 47, he is 53. He has the limbido of a 19 year old. And a cabinet full of "vitamins' and testosterone type pills and wants me to take pills to make me feel aroused all the time. Because he "doesn't just want a roommate and if we're not having sex, that's what we are. I can't argue with that. But it feels like there is no other substance to our relationship. I can't go deep with him. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'd love to tell him of things I've done in my life, confession sort of, but he does not want to hear it. If I cry for some reason, he will get ticked and leave saying he's not putting up with this....And I really don't cry very often.

I always think to myself, if we're not getting along, he is completely absent as possible. If we are getting along, it is me trying to deal with his ensatiable sexual appetite. I've tried to just go with it even if I'm feeling resentful and ends up being ok physically, but emotionally it keeps shoving me away. I've told him over and over, if you treat me nicely, if you don't talk about sex for the whole day, ironically, I feel more interested in it. Example, a random phone call during the day might be "Guess what I'm thinking about" and if I say "sex" then he will complain that I can't just have a fantasy with him and be carefree. And I ask myself, yeah, why can't I? Because I must be frigid...I get so confused going all over in my mind and no one to discuss this with. Or he'll text me "so am I gonna get lucky tonight?" And I honestly roll my eyes...it feels like a trap. I'm in the middle of paperwork or something busy and if I say yes, then I'd better follow through or I'll pay for it. And if I say no, well, how dare you say you're not interested in your husband. And I beat myself up all the time. I waste so much energy beating myself up. I have to constantly remind myself not to do that.

The things I read about porn have given me a bit more of a backbone. Some husbands absolutely adore their wives and it's nothing to do with just wanting what's between her legs. I know that exists. I'm not delusional thinking it's a utopia marriage, but I think it's fair to expect my husband to respect me. I think respect is sexy. I think him wanting to know what I THINK about things ...is sexy...I think a man who sees something inappropriate for kids coming up on TV and turning the channel before looking at me and rolling his eyes knowing I don't want my kids to see even passionate kissing in bed..is sexy. A man who protects his family is sexy. A man who wants to know what's on his woman's mind, really wants to know...is sexy.

From what I have read, pornography will escalate a man's sex drive. It causes a person to objectify another. That is what I always feel like. Like I could be anyone there with him. Granted, he isn't wam bam thank you ma'am, (ever) but emotionally, he never invests in my thoughts. If he thinks of me, it's about my sex parts. And I can't get into that. Every woman has that. There's no where to go for us this way. I'll ask what he loves about me...he'll smile and think and say, "I guess it's because you love me"

So now I look over the times I've accused myself and I look at it through the lense of pornography and it makes sense to me now. That I'm not guilty of all the things I think I am. It's because of a distorted view on his part.

And I read something else that said, "You do not have to fight this battle, God will fight it for you" and I keep trying to remember that. To me, I feel like I've been cheated on. He sent a text yesterday morning that said, "I'm sorry I was curious and I looked at that sight last night, I'm not trying to justify it, but I am sorry I don't feel good about it"....and I haven't talked to him since. I didn't reply. I don't believe him. I think he's looked at these things for many years in some form or another. I think he's "sorry" because I found it and I told him, "Some women are ok with that...I'm not" and he left. He doesn't often tell me good bye for the day when he leaves unless the kids are up.

I could go on and on. I feel like I'm going to be attacked for these thoughts, I'm so use to that. I'm braced and ready for a backlash of why don't I just give him more sex. It's nothing I haven't said to myself. That's fine, you can say that. I'm not going to argue, sex is 80% of a good marriage I understand that.

I am just so confused all the time. I am trying my very hardest to be the best wife and mom I can be and I feel like I've failed. Anything helpful that I can do or stop doing, to fix my situation?

Thank you, and I'm sorry that this is so long. I guess I had more on my mind than I thought I did. God Bless

 

[Eugene]

Sex is 80% of a good marriage I understand that.

Hi dear Sister Open Hearted, and by your testimony I'm not sure what you understand of it. I'll just paste scripture I hope will be of help.

I'll see him watching me and it gives me the creeps.

You appear to be your husband's desire; he doesn't seem to be yours.

1Co 7:2 . . to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

1Co 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

1Co 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

1Co 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Blessings in Christ Jesus.

 

[Open Hearted]

Thank you for sharing the scriptures. This is what I believe too, what these verses say

 

[Open Hearted]

I don't mean to bother you, but these verses are the reason I feel so confused. I know that what I wrote was very long and rambling and all over the place, I'm sorry. What I've always wondered, knowing the Bible says this...does this mean that no matter what, no matter the time or the circumstances, I am to "submit" in that way to my husband? I'm asking in all sincerity. And I'm understanding that it's my not doing this that is the reason he is looking at porn?

It's too sensitive of a subject to ever ask my pastor. Thank you kindly.

 

[Knotical]

Without getting too far into all the points you bring up in your testimony I will say this. We are called to make our spouses happy. We should not be concerned with our own happiness as it will come when we know we are making our spouse happy. I am not saying this to lecture you, but to get you thinking. Not only should you concern yourself with his happiness, but he should be concerned with your happiness. I do not bring this up to start some sort of competition where you start to keep score. It has more to do with putting the needs of others over our own.

Something I noticed about your testimony is you did not mention whether or not you attend a bible believing church. Are you both members of a local church? If so, do you have anyone within the church leadership you would feel comfortable bringing this up with? Ultimately, it sounds like you both need some Godly marriage counseling. It is possible that you both entered into your marriage with unrealistic expectations, as many of us do, and you both need to get on the same page, which means actually talking things out.

 

[Open Hearted]

Hello Knotical,

I think it is fair to say that I entered into this marriage with unrealistic expectations, and he probably did too.

We attend an evangelical church. I was raised in Assemblies of God and he was raised Catholic, which concerned me at first but he seemed really upset about the priests and alter boy's molestation cases that were surfacing and he was really questioning things and open to my church. My husband comes with us sometimes. It's kind of a long story, but I work weekends and I'm self employed so when the kids came along, I stopped booking shows almost altogether so I could raise them. In January, I decided to book a full year again the way I use to, to see if it would help out financially because we have always had a great struggle that way. It has helped a little, but the fact that I'm doing more shows (I'm an artist), means Sundays as well.

He will go through times where he attends with us pretty regularly, then he will go for long periods of time where he won't go. But he is busy and with farming, sometimes you don't know what will come up raising livestock, if one gets sick etc.

We did a couple's thing with our pastor and his wife and a few other couples, it was through a skype type of thing. It was on a week night and lasted for 10 weeks I believe. This was last Spring. He really wanted to do it and I was so glad, we were all in together, ready to do the work of it. What it was, was each person would answer questions and look up scriptures, then you would discuss all of it with your spouse and then share general ideas with the group. The first couple of weeks were a good start and then he couldn't come to the rest of them because he was busy. So before we got into anything too deep, it was kind of finished. I tried to attend it by myself but it was kind of pointless.

I'm not trying to bash him, I don't want to have a bunch of people tell me I'm right and he's wrong.

I do love him. I am just exhausted over trying to figure out what I should be doing. What God expects of me. The other guy said it sounds like I am the object of my husband's desire but he's not the object of mine. I would agree with that and my husband says that to me as well. I have prayed for God to give me "intimate" desire for him. And I do submit to him when I don't even feel like it and I don't make it seem like a chore or something because I do love him. We probably average about once a week when he comes upstairs at night.

It's the disconnect I feel with him in my heart that bothers me the most and I wish I could fix that. Maybe that's what this all comes down to. It doesn't seem like just giving more sex ...will help anything.

That's why I came here. I have one friend that I feel free to talk about these things with, but she is not a Christ follower so her advice is worldly, that I should leave him. I will not do that, although this pornography now feels like cheating (and I didn't tell her about it). I was at a point last summer where he was being so cruel that I actually started looking to see if I could afford a place to stay just to separate and re evaluate our relationship, but he did not like that and he started being more the husband I needed him to be. (and I really don't ask for much) But as usual, it doesn't take but a couple of months and he burns himself at both ends, and he gets tired and he blames and he ignores and he's short with me and I just do not see him, literally. But at night, he is ready to go, thinking that is what will keep us having a 'healthy' relationship

I just need some sound advice for what I can do. I'm not expecting to change him, I'm willing to change me. I guess if it's being intimate every night, then that's what it is. But I have tried that and it hasn't helped so far

Oh please help

 

[1Genesis]

I can never to this day understand the fan base for pornography. ICK!

I think you should talk directly to your husband about this. Ask him about it and then tell him you want him to be totally open and honest. And you'll just listen till he feels he's said enough. It's hard but don't interrupt. Just listen. See what kind of vibe you get from the man you've been with all these years.
Some men know they won't get what they find at porn sites with their wife. So they seek elsewhere for vicarious satisfaction. If it is something you can't handle, and you get the idea he won't stop, you have to decide what you'll tolerate in this level of personal disrespect. Which it is. Because porn is a form of adultery. He's watching others have sex, and he in turn is gaining pleasure. And in any number of ways which I'll let to your imagination.
However, know also that watching porn on a phone can lead to wanting to feel what it is like when watching those actors do their thing. And that's full on adultery. Not to say your hubby could go that route, just saying it does happen.

In any case, porn is adultery. If you can't handle this and he's not going to stop you have to decide your self worth I think. God allows for divorce due to adultery. I'd absolutely go that route if my hubby was addicted. Not saying yours is. However, it does happen.

Prayers to you and your family.

 

[Open Hearted]

Thank you 1Genesis, That is worth a try. I think I need to give myself a little time first, but I will try to get him to open up to me.

The only time we really have alone are the wee hours of the morning. I am not a morning person so I wake up at 5am and go downstairs to give myself an hour before I get the kids up. And he is always on the couch. He'll often sit with me on the loveseat, but he does not like to talk about anything deep normally, during this time. Like finances, bills, or anything that is too involved. But he may open up.

I read something that said not to be to quick to 'forgive', it said, forgive as in giving it to God, but don't just sweep it under the rug because God has me to be his helper, not his enabler. And that if I let it go and try to go on as usual, then he will have no need to do the work that God requires of him and the repentance. She said to let God fight the battle. (it was to Love Honor and Vaccuum, I think was the website)

So for these hours after I discovered this, I have been trying to keep giving it to God. My husband doesn't get home until I'm in bed so I've just been really nervous that he'll wake me from sleep wanting to be intimate and I might not have a chance to voice where I'm coming from.

I agree with you, this is serious, and I also agree that it is cheating. Usually when he knows I'm upset about something, he will "extra" be not home and avoid me until so much time has passed that he thinks I've forgotten or should've forgotten what I was upset about.

But I will try to have a talk with him. I'm just going to pray that God will create that time for us and that he will guide the conversation so I don't blubber out the wrong thing and shut him down.

Thank you for taking the time to respond

 

[Knotical]

It sounds like you two need some real connection time. Something my wife and I did was just prior to engagement we went through basically a pre-engagement counseling. Then after we were married we went through a more comprehensive marriage counseling program at our church. It was actually geared toward engaged couples, but we did it anyway. It forced us to ask important questions so there were really no surprises.

The skype thing you went through did not sound like it was very engaging. I would recommend you both have personality tests done on yourselves then do the same thing where you answer questions as though you think the other person would. This would give you a very good idea as to how closely you know each other. Your pastor should have access to this kind of stuff.

 

[Open Hearted]

Wow that sounds like it would be incredibly helpful. Especially if it's something we could do at home rather than having him have to commit to several weeks of something at the same time each time since his schedule is so busy.

What would I ask my pastor for?

Or is it something I could even get online?

I think in order for us to resolve anything, he needs to soul search. So much of the time he surprises me by suddenly being outraged at me (and nothing has changed) and he may give me the silent treatment for a few days or more. It always feels to me like he needs to dig deeper into his past and face some things that I only know the surface of.

So something like what you mentioned might be the perfect tool to help him to do that and to help us connect. And I'm by no means saying I'm perfect either. It's just always been fairly easy for me to open up and share, where he neither wants to share, or hear my sharing...if it's anything remotely deep. But I think that's exactly what we need to do. I think he would be on board with this

 

[ezrider]

I think in order for us to resolve anything, he needs to soul search. So much of the time he surprises me by suddenly being outraged at me (and nothing has changed) and he may give me the silent treatment for a few days or more. It always feels to me like he needs to dig deeper into his past and face some things that I only know the surface of.

Open Hearted, I am by no means a counselor, and I would never tell you what you should do, but from reading through your posts, it appears you are sincere, although there is one thing I would like to point out to you. You see a fault in your husband and you are looking for him to be fixed. You hope a counselor could solve his issues. But it is not him you should be focusing on. You should be focusing on you. How can you find the peace of the Lord in your heart no matter the circumstances you find yourself in. You will not find the peace of the Lord in your heart if your waiting for your husband to change for you.


A dog can be a faithful pet and companion. If you feed them and play with them, they can be very loyal. You can let them out of the house to run around free and do their business, and they will come back to you. But if you keep the dog inside the house, you would not be surprised to find that it had peed on the carpet. Now it might upset you for the moment, but you can easily get over it, because its in the nature of the dog to pee. But if you begin to starve the dog, when you let him out to pee, will he not go seek food elsewhere? If you chain the dog up so that he can't roam, you have solved the peeing problem: But if you continue to starve him, is it not in his nature to bark, or maybe bite?

 

[Knotical]

Wow that sounds like it would be incredibly helpful. Especially if it's something we could do at home rather than having him have to commit to several weeks of something at the same time each time since his schedule is so busy.

What would I ask my pastor for?

Or is it something I could even get online?

I think in order for us to resolve anything, he needs to soul search. So much of the time he surprises me by suddenly being outraged at me (and nothing has changed) and he may give me the silent treatment for a few days or more. It always feels to me like he needs to dig deeper into his past and face some things that I only know the surface of.

So something like what you mentioned might be the perfect tool to help him to do that and to help us connect. And I'm by no means saying I'm perfect either. It's just always been fairly easy for me to open up and share, where he neither wants to share, or hear my sharing...if it's anything remotely deep. But I think that's exactly what we need to do. I think he would be on board with this

One thing that would go a long way in getting him on board is if there was someone who he listens to, other than you, that recommends that he start making more of an effort in your marriage. Your pastor should be able to find what I am talking about. It is basically a personality test that you first take as individuals, then you take it answering the questions as to how you think your spouse would answer to see how well you know them.

Marriage counseling would be a more than one time thing, so there would have to be some sort of commitment to a number of weeks on this. It may help if your pastor is flexible enough to continue the sessions based on having to adjust to your husband's schedule.

The first step is approaching your pastor, or possibly an elder, and seeing what is available.

 

[Willie T]

My husband farms, and anyone married to a farmer knows that especially during harvest season, they leave before the sun comes up and often times they don't get home until everyone is in bed. In my husband's case, it's not just harvest season. He comes from a farming family of 8 siblings and in my mind I categorize them as having a "workaholic" mentality. He keeps himself so very busy all year and these hours are what we are use to. Myself and our 2 kids, son (11) and daughter (9).

If he happens to get in around 8:00, he falls asleep, snoring deeply in the living room when we are going upstairs for bed. So I leave him there and leave the tv on, but shut off the lights.

Two nights ago, I saw his phone next to him on the end table and I took it so I could plug it in, in the kitchen where he always charges it so it would have a full battery in the morning because he also has an agricultural GPS business and needs his phone to make calls.

I just turned it on and swiped it up, not sure why I even looked. I guess because I hadn't talked to him in a few days other than the early morning questioning I do of, where are you going today? What will you do after that field is finished? Not to be a drill sargent, just curious about his day and goals. And it was right there. like a mosaic of porn. My head spun. Every emotion. And our marriage flashed before my eyes of different hints and several denials I've made to myself over the 13 years we've been married and 4 years prior to that where we had a long distance relationship. (an hour and a half of commuting)

I shut the phone off and just went upstairs still reeling. I don't know how much space I have here for background, or if it matters, but I will go into that a little. I like to read my Bible before going to bed. I actually feel relieved when he is asleep at bedtime so that I can read for 5 or 10 minutes and let it sink in without him coming in and turning on the TV or staring at me with sex in his eyes and touching me sexually while I try to read. To me, there is a time and a place and that's not it.

That night, I started googling things about finding porn and searching for things on this subject. I discovered a lot of things that rang very true for me. He has always accused me here and there of not being romantic, not being intimate with him. Wanting me to have affection for him the way I do for the kids. (Which confuses me, I don't understand what that means other than unconditional love. And I tried to make it a point to give him random sincere hugs after he said that and kissie faces which seemed to annoy him). He gets resentful when my favorite cat lays on my chest in the dark morning hours while I sit through his Westerns that are always on. He makes comments that my cat is taunting him, and he wishes I would pay as much attention to him as I do my cat. So I lay my head on his chest and kiss him on the cheek.

When I am taking a bath, I think I'm home alone and I will hear a "creek" and it's quiet. I'll be washing and look up and by the hinge of the door I'll see him watching me and it gives me the creeps. I've "learned" to get use to this after my initial fear. He'll come into the bathroom and say something in an over flirting way, "Hey!" and he'll raise his brows. So I convinced myself, well, we're married, he can see me naked. It's my own complex going on, get over it.

I don't like to undress in front of him. I would rather take my clothes into another room and do it. I would like to feel free to undress in front of him. I wouldn't even care if he watched me. But if he would just maybe...I don't know, admire and say something complimentary and leave it at that. That would actually excite me and draw me towards him intimately. But it's never like that. He's so immediately aroused, that my freedom is done. He'll slide my clothes away so they're out of reach and he'll lay there looking at me sexually and it has to be right now that I lay down and stop what I am doing. No matter the fact that I want to go brush my teeth and wash my face for bed so I can relax too. I know what you're thinking, why don't you just throw your cares away and be with him. Be spontaneous. Well, I have done that. And that's fine, but then the next day it's the same thing.

This is all our relationship is. These elements. He can be in a dead snoring sleep in our bed with the TV on. I am all ready for bed and I come in, I ever so carefully creep onto the bed and slip my Bible to read for a few minutes because I am exhausted and turn the TV to silent and if I make one move too loud or sudden, his eyes open and it's go time. The fact that I am in bed means that I should be aroused and ready to go. And he would like me to initiate sometimes. Even if he bit my head off for some reason that day and it was never resolved, its' because I can't let things go and now I should be ready for "bedtime activities"

Sometimes I already feel "that way" and I'm able to rise to the occasion and it's amazing. But unfortunately that is only a couple of times a month.

I am 47, he is 53. He has the limbido of a 19 year old. And a cabinet full of "vitamins' and testosterone type pills and wants me to take pills to make me feel aroused all the time. Because he "doesn't just want a roommate and if we're not having sex, that's what we are. I can't argue with that. But it feels like there is no other substance to our relationship. I can't go deep with him. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'd love to tell him of things I've done in my life, confession sort of, but he does not want to hear it. If I cry for some reason, he will get ticked and leave saying he's not putting up with this....And I really don't cry very often.

I always think to myself, if we're not getting along, he is completely absent as possible. If we are getting along, it is me trying to deal with his ensatiable sexual appetite. I've tried to just go with it even if I'm feeling resentful and ends up being ok physically, but emotionally it keeps shoving me away. I've told him over and over, if you treat me nicely, if you don't talk about sex for the whole day, ironically, I feel more interested in it. Example, a random phone call during the day might be "Guess what I'm thinking about" and if I say "sex" then he will complain that I can't just have a fantasy with him and be carefree. And I ask myself, yeah, why can't I? Because I must be frigid...I get so confused going all over in my mind and no one to discuss this with. Or he'll text me "so am I gonna get lucky tonight?" And I honestly roll my eyes...it feels like a trap. I'm in the middle of paperwork or something busy and if I say yes, then I'd better follow through or I'll pay for it. And if I say no, well, how dare you say you're not interested in your husband. And I beat myself up all the time. I waste so much energy beating myself up. I have to constantly remind myself not to do that.

The things I read about porn have given me a bit more of a backbone. Some husbands absolutely adore their wives and it's nothing to do with just wanting what's between her legs. I know that exists. I'm not delusional thinking it's a utopia marriage, but I think it's fair to expect my husband to respect me. I think respect is sexy. I think him wanting to know what I THINK about things ...is sexy...I think a man who sees something inappropriate for kids coming up on TV and turning the channel before looking at me and rolling his eyes knowing I don't want my kids to see even passionate kissing in bed..is sexy. A man who protects his family is sexy. A man who wants to know what's on his woman's mind, really wants to know...is sexy.

From what I have read, pornography will escalate a man's sex drive. It causes a person to objectify another. That is what I always feel like. Like I could be anyone there with him. Granted, he isn't wam bam thank you ma'am, (ever) but emotionally, he never invests in my thoughts. If he thinks of me, it's about my sex parts. And I can't get into that. Every woman has that. There's no where to go for us this way. I'll ask what he loves about me...he'll smile and think and say, "I guess it's because you love me"

So now I look over the times I've accused myself and I look at it through the lense of pornography and it makes sense to me now. That I'm not guilty of all the things I think I am. It's because of a distorted view on his part.

And I read something else that said, "You do not have to fight this battle, God will fight it for you" and I keep trying to remember that. To me, I feel like I've been cheated on. He sent a text yesterday morning that said, "I'm sorry I was curious and I looked at that sight last night, I'm not trying to justify it, but I am sorry I don't feel good about it"....and I haven't talked to him since. I didn't reply. I don't believe him. I think he's looked at these things for many years in some form or another. I think he's "sorry" because I found it and I told him, "Some women are ok with that...I'm not" and he left. He doesn't often tell me good bye for the day when he leaves unless the kids are up.

I could go on and on. I feel like I'm going to be attacked for these thoughts, I'm so use to that. I'm braced and ready for a backlash of why don't I just give him more sex. It's nothing I haven't said to myself. That's fine, you can say that. I'm not going to argue, sex is 80% of a good marriage I understand that.

I am just so confused all the time. I am trying my very hardest to be the best wife and mom I can be and I feel like I've failed. Anything helpful that I can do or stop doing, to fix my situation?

Thank you, and I'm sorry that this is so long. I guess I had more on my mind than I thought I did. God Bless

I think I may have HIGHLIGHTED one possible answer in your quoted text.

 

[brujaq]

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

 

[Open Hearted]

Thank you all for the replies. Last night my husband got in relatively early, it was about 7:30, he looked something up on the computer (I think it was something to do with GPS systems, he has farm customers as well as his own farming to do) then he sat on the love seat and fell asleep. The kids and I went up to bed. This morning I came down about 5:30 thinking about what 1Genesis had said and thought if he was awake maybe we could talk. But he was asleep and the movie Groundhog's Day was on, so I sat in the dark watching that and a few tears squeezed my heart at the ice sculpture scene. I just wish I knew that tenderness. I waited and he didn't wake up and I never wake him unless I have to because he works really hard.

He got up about 6:30 and noticed me there as he was leaving the room and said, "Good morning" and proceeded to the basement to get on his work clothes. I came to the kitchen and sat there staring at ads in a farming magazine for an eternity, trying to think of what to do or what to day. The time didn't seem right for a big discussion about porn. And I understand that he is doing that anyway, because of my lack of interest, so wouldn't the discussion come back to me having hang ups and needing pills to fix me or something. I read some articles about crops and grain bins and I heard my son coming downstairs.

Pretty soon my husband came back up and went to the computer in the dining room, my son sat by him and he explained to our son something about this GPS system and a problem a guy was having. He made a call to this customer and trouble-shooted with him for about 45 minutes. Pretty upbeat sounding conversation. Our daughter got up also.

I made them all breakfast. If I asked him, he would say no, he's fine. But if it's ready and on the table he will eat. So I told him I made him breakfast and he said "thanks" and he left for the day.

So I ran the kids into town for basketball practice and I'm going to message my pastor and ask for the marriage personality testing literature that Knotical spoke of. I don't want to ask at church with the kids there. I don't like them to think there is anything wrong. So if you see this and feel led, please say a prayer for me ~ to keep confusion away from me. My tendency is to want to "forgive" immediately and have everything go back to normal. But at the same time I feel like I/we need to deal with and address the pornography. Even if I'm to blame, I think something should be said about it. And then the other side of it, where the Bible says that a wife is to surrender in that way other than fasting and I can't remember the other one, which translated means to me: under every circumstance besides those. So I feel confused if he wants to tonight because he is wanting to have peace between us but nothing has been said about the porn, should I do it? Or if I do it, will the issue ever be delt with? Words can't express how much I go around in my mind about this and usually to stop the silent treatment etc, I will just surrender because I'm not sure and I don't want to offend God. I'm staggeringly confused on this issue

And also please pray for him. I'm not sure what to pray for with him, so I always pray that God will fill him with his Holy Spirit and he will feel God's love and have no doubt it is God. And that some things will go his way so that he can feel a sense of good self worth so that he will treat all of us with love and respect, no matter what. And that he will be the Godly head of our household and will have a thirst for God and his teachings the way I do so that we can pray together and read the Bible together and go to church together. And have true sincere 'intimacy' together. That is the desire of my heart. But the way it is right now is kind of a wreck.

I apologize for spilling out so many personal things yesterday. I was pretty upset and feeling desperate when I wrote it. We, for the most part, are good friends and sometimes really in love. But the healing we need can only come from God.

So thank you, Knotical if you can see this, I am going to go forward with your advice because it sounds like tangible help and it is 100% worth a try. And I will come back to this thread some day and hopefully have a really great report.

Thanks again everyone for listening

 

[brujaq]

imo if you can't discuss with your husband then you don't need to expose or discuss with his preacher or any one you both know or resentment or bitterness may set in, go to another source anonymous .. I was miserable and ready to leave my wife but it turned out to be a hormonal imbalance in my wife, but before I left I figured I'd try and joined a sr's water aerobics class with 8 old ladies and me , I was not a sr, after a couple weeks I convinced her to join then I went and joined beginner aerobics while she stayed in the water then after a couple weeks I got her to follow me to beginner aerobics and her dr's found the right combination of hormones.. She began to take off in the aerobics and became a new woman and we got nasty in bed again .. Yeah I said it, we get nasty at times, we are man and wife .. It was 10 yrs before she'd even break wind in the same room when we first got married , she was that shy and inhibited, I'm the only one she ever even dated and we began dating when she was 16 and she is still the most beautiful creature God ever put on Earth imo.. Take some pills and get nasty sis, lighten up, take that man of yours and give him what he wants, show him what you can do .. Enjoy your husband and be pleasing to him, work on it , turn it loose .. Be patient, pray, be willing , be prepared for him to be taken aback at first and not knowing how to respond at first as you both learn anew, don't give up or be offended, it is natural for a man to get confused at a new situation and you will both come around if you don't give up .. Get where you can put a smile on his face he can't wipe off .. A little wine together maybe but don't waste too much time , get busy , it's OK .. Keep his mind off of pornography yourself ..

 

[Not_Now.Soon]

I hope by the time you come back you've found some good luck on the issues you wrote on yesterday.

It sounds like he holds a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. I don't mean that as an excuse, but I've noticed that my sins become more tempting or just burst out when I am tired, frustrated, or feel overburdened. Sex might be a big thing he looks forward to to unwind or unburden himself.

Consouling sounds like it would be good, but if it feels like an extra chore, then he needs to be onboard about it and that there is a need for it.

Another thought that might help is just time together. You mentioned that you both only see each other in the morning or at night. If you can spare the time once in a while (maybe once every other month or so) arrange the kids to taken care of with family or a friend to babysit for the day. Then to work with him on his day.

He'll be working so it won't be a focused time together. But it might be a good way to just be together without sex being on the table or any other issue to be the focus.

Good luck and hope God will help resolve your tears and remove his porn.

 

[Blazin Bones]

Hey Open, any news on your situation?

 

[Traveling teacher]

Sister
Not absolutely sure but make sure that you dont have unforgiveness
Toward your husband ...not recently but for a long time........
This leads to bitterness which will destroy marriage relations.....
Hebrews 12-15
...maybe resent marriagin him....dont know ask the Lord to reveal this.??????

But going forward....
1. HE has to be your greatest priority relation on the earth...not kids....not busy work....
Even Bible study can wait.....
If your busy turn on your Bible app and listen to it during the day.....
Give your husbamd first priority....
Your honor submission and respect and love for your husband...
Reveals your honor and love toward your Father in heaven...
Same with husbands toward wives....
Ephesus 5:22-28

2. As others have stated.....your body is not your own but your husbands....
This can cause major damage to a marriage and your husband if you hold out on your husband...
This is actually sin...as the bible says
Lead me not into temptation
Mathew 6:13
And you are leading your husband into temptation.....
When you get your relation of closeness with yur husband then you will have sex with him???????NO
No thats conditional love....God asks us for unconditional love.....

Example: if your husband yelled at you and cut you down for 10 years constantly
Would that be a temptation for you to be angry or resentful or unforgiving?????
That being said your husband is reponsible for his sin......

3. When you pray start by being thankful for your husband and listing the positive attributes he has.....
Also encourage him with these positive attributes....
Also ask an older woman to pray for you to be strong christian wife....you dont have to share details....

I would not talk to your husband of this until you deal with this issue that you have
Toeard your husband........
As Jesus said
Get the beam out of your eye first

I beleiev if you will just start performing your wifely duties a whole lot of these issues
Will disappear in time.......and you will grow closer in love with your husband...and God
Grace and peace

 

[Helen Back]

Oh Dear. I apologize if my question was covered, but I haven't enough time to read the entire thread. What was your relationship like BEFORE marriage?

On the bright side, he was looking at women, right?