The Official King of the Hill Thread

[handy]

In an effort to bring order out of chaos, (and of late the Hill has been about as chaotic as it comes) I wish to clarify that I take the hill from Mike. I do believe that Vince was on the throne (previous diss to Mike not withstanding, Mike is just the kind of guy that needs a good dissing every now and then :p ). Sorry, l'Chante, but you lost the throne in post #329, to Vince, and although Vince claimed the throne, Mike effectively replaced him in #338.

Naturally, this is just in the spirit of disambiguation. Should anyone make a claim to be the true king of Bronco Nation I declare that I, Handy I, am by right, by honor, and by the victorious banishment of the real threat to us all, Theo, am henceforth the true King of Bronco Nation (formerly known as the Hill).

 

[Blazin Bones]

After waking up from a good long nap in my under-hill bunker, I decide I want to take my hill back.

I bribe the BCS Offical to allow the New Orlean's Saints to play the Broncos in an official game. After being run-over by players like Drew Breeze and Reggie Bush, the Broncos now have no chance to play for the national championship. Handy rather enfuriated and stunned at the clear abuse of her beloved Broncos, leave the hill to once again give the BCS officials a piece of her mind.

Naturally I assume the throne of Bronco nation.

 

[Vince]

Vince sighs contentedly, as the Phillies win another game, and the Braves lose. "Let the pretenders pretend," Vince thinks contentedly. "As long as the Phillies are #1, I'm King of the Hill."

 

[l'Chante]

We simply cannot have Smurfette on the throne. We just wouldn't be taken seriously.

This means war!
View attachment 1496

 

[Vince]

I don't know, L'Chante. Those two smurfs look pretty fierce to me.

Sincerely yours,
Vince, the King of the hill

 

[Theofilus]

*Theo gets his bearings and figures out in what direction The Hill is in. Even though he knows there might be a good chance that he probably may not make it, he sets off toward The Hill. What he doesn't know is that a she-bear, the mother of 2 hungry cubs, is following him.


To be continued...

 

[Mike]

The man is obviously delusional.

Theo, you are so correct. Delusional, Vince is. I checked out of this plot for the hill until everyone adhered to the rules of modern warfare which don't depend on a baseball te... never mind. It's not worth it. I'd suggest we wage this war on our own and allow him to enjoy the ride on the FFFilly bandwagon until they're horrible again, and he doesn't care about baseball anymore.

And for the record, I shave a tighter noggin than you do, and sport a nicely tight goatee. I have a very kingly way about me. People I don't even know refer to me as King. I'm a natural for this job. That low hanging shag of yours is screaming for my #2 razor! Come on! Have you been growing that from the 4th grade???

 

[Vince]

With another Braves defeat, the phabulous Phillies have increased their lead to 2 1/2 games in phirst place.

Vince, the King of the Hill, relaxes as he awaits the outcome of the current Phillies game (still in progress).

 

[handy]

I, Handy I, formerly and future King of Bronco Nation, was all set to blast the BCS Nazis for allowing a PROFESSIONAL Football team to play the Bronco's. That was until I found out that the Bronco's, while losing their first game in two years, only lost because some goon named Patrick Robinson or something deflected Kyle Brotzman's attempt at a three point field goal by crashing down on his leg, in the last 3 seconds of the game, at which time the score was 31-32. Given that the Saints are not only a professional team, but last year's Super Bowl winners at that, I realize that this loss is actually a win for the Broncos. Naturally, if I'm smart enough to figure that out then Coach Pete and Gene Bleymaier surely did, and are all over how to turn this "loss" to great advantage in our quest for a shot at the BCS title.

Knowing that the Broncos are in good hands, I take a moment to check on Theo.....

Theo!?!

THEO!!!!!!!!!


Criminy, what on EARTH is he up to.....

*sigh* That man is a menace to not only society, but to nature, to the very forces that move life on this planet.

Being the responsible monarch that I am, I forgo any attempt to displace pretender and keep an eye on Theo. Doesn't he realize that he is being followed by a sow-bear!!!! With young!!!!! :o

 

[Vince]

This just in! The Phillies have won and are now three games in phirst place!

Hold on, there's more! The Phillies now have the best record in the National League! That means that the Phillies will have home phield advantage during the play-offs!

Sincerely yours,
Vince, the King of the Hill

 

[Mike]

Just a note to give a nod to Dora. A gal who's so into college football is a gem! :yes

Come on now! We're both foster parents, LCMS and football fans??!! I want DNA samples, 'cause we gotta be related!

This Bud's for you, oh keeper of the mop and ESPN!

Here's trailing off as I'm typing... I remember growing up living for Thursdays when my Sports Illustrated would come in the mail. I can't imagine anyone buys that mag anymore with all of the sources on TV.

I should be crowned King just for making such a relevant statement.

 

[Theofilus]

*Aftere walking throught the swamp in the freezing rain for hours, Theo is exhuasted and about to pass out from sunstroke. He sits down in the sand in the shade of a saguaro cactus. Hearing a sound behind him, he turns around to see what it is. Carefully peeking behind the rock he's sitting against, Theo sees a mother polar bear not more than 2 feet in front of his face, with her two cubs following closely behind her. Terrified with fear, Theo jumps back, hoping that the oak tree that offered him shade can also offer some protection from the grizzly bear. He is about to turn and run, but then...

It's a good thing Mr. Proffessor Man learned me English right good, or people might have been confoozled by that story.

To be continued...

 

[l'Chante]

Handy….! What were you thinking, woman?

Just look at my padded-wall room. There is a therapist in there doing the Macarena while singing ‘I feel pretty’, an English teacher reciting Happy Meal recipes in Klingon, and a Phillies supporter repeating ‘I am king, I am king, I am king’. How much more damage do you want Theo to cause?

And don’t think that I can’t see right through you, you two faced so-and-so! You pretend to have the SPCA on speed dial, yet you endanger the sanity of an innocent mother bear! Not to speak of her little cubs! Those little bundles of joy have their whole lives ahead of them?!?!

You are clearly not responsible enough to rule the hill! Get out! Queen semi-smurf African warrior will try and undo your incompetence, you incompetent … thing you!

 

[Vince]

Vince, a Phillies phan for the last phorty-nine years, can only shake his head in amazement as he reads these posts.

Theophilos (Notice the correct spelling) does not realize that he is being pursued by the Chicago Cubs, who were eliminated from the pennant race some time ago.

 

[Theofilus]

*Theo is startled by the sight of the huge bear, but then he recognizes her.

Oh, Hi Bertha! You startled me.

Grrr.

No problem. I just didn't reacognize you, since you dyed your hair.

Grrr?

It looks very nice. It's been a while since I've seen you. How have you been?

Grrrrr rowrrr.

That's good. How are the cubs? I see one of them is limping.

Roarrr grrr rowrrr!

A hunting accident!?! Was he seriously hurt?

Grr arrrgh.

Yes... well... I kinda figured as much, but I meant the cub.

Arrgh grrr.

Glad to hear it. I hope he recovers soon.

Grrrrrr?

I'm fine, thank you for asking. I been going to English classes. Some peoples told me I needed to learn me propper talkin'. The teacher was a right nice fella. He teached me all about the partses of speech, like nouns and pro nouns - them's the nouns what take their job real serious like, not like the amature nouns - and how to dangle my party-sipples and stuff like that there. I never did get to go to one of them sipple parties though. A bunch of guys came and said they was gonna take me out to church for some franks. When we got there, there weren't no minister nor hot dogs nor nothin'... Say, could you do me a favor?

To be continued...

 

[handy]

No worries, l'Chante! Theo seems to think that he is freezing in the desert and talking with a Polar Bear named Bertha.

In reality he is sitting besides one of the beautiful little lakes that dot the FCWNR. I did manage to distract the sow bear and her cubs and they left. Theo became hungry and ate some mushrooms. These mushrooms have some hallucinogenic qualities. Theo is quite safe, no danger of poisoning, and the mushroom are not only nutritious, they will give him happy thoughts for awhile.

Normally, I am not in favor of mind-altering substances, but with Theo, well, he's a far safer man dreaming his happy thoughts by the pretty lake than he is let loose in society.

Since all is well in Bronco Nation, and Vince is happily following his Phillies, I am content to leave you as regent to the throne until such a time as I desire to return. After all, Theo is still in the FCWNR and not only have I turned away the sow bear and cubs, I've also had to save Theo from two cougars, a pack of wolves and a bull moose.

 

[handy]

Mike,

:p Well, my dad grew up in Michigan. If you have any Watrous', deBoers, Boermans, or Schutters in your family tree, we might very well share some DNA!

 

[handy]

Oh, one more thing:

l'Chante, there are no queens of the hill. The rules officially state that one must take the hill to be KING of the hill.

However, there is nothing in the rules, by-laws, constitution, or accords of the Hill, of late known as Bronco Nation, that prohibits a woman from being King of the Hill.

 

[Theofilus]

No worries, l'Chante! Theo seems to think that he is ... talking with a Polar Bear named Bertha.

...

I did manage to distract the sow bear and her cubs and they left.

You managed to distract a bear that you don't admit exists???? And you think I'm crazy??? Anyway, back to reality...

You see, Bertha, I'm i a bit of a perdikkament...

Grrr arrgh rowr.

Oh, you heard about it?

Grrr rowr argh.

Oh, Handy told you? Well, you'll want to take anything she says with a grain of salt. She's not quite in touch with reality, if you know what I mean. She thinks I'm at church, but it's Thursday and there ain't no church today. Anyway, I'm trying to get back to The Hill and I'm not sure I'm going in the right direction. I tried taking my bearings from the sun, but it keeps moving.

Rowr aaarrrghh rowwr rowrrr.

Oh? It's supposed to do that?

Rowrrr grr.

Well, it's a good thing you came along, or I would'nt've never found The Hill. Can you point me in the right direction?

Grrr ->

Thanks. Uh... I don't suppose...

rowrr...

Wow, thanks!

*Theo climbs on Bertha's back and they head for The Hill...


Four hours later...

*Rushing up the hill growling loudly and dangling participles left and right, l'Chante is filled with terror at the sight of Theo coming toward her. She's not too comfortable about the polar bear either. She rushes down the other side of the hill and Theo reclaims the throne. After having a couple of bowls of milk for the cubs and a side of beef for herself, Bertha goes back to the forrest where she found Theo. The cubs get to stay behind.

 

[Vince]

Sitting calmly on his throne, Vince, the King of the Hill, considers the situation. Is it possible that HE is delusional?

"People who talk to polar bears in the desert..." mutters Vince. "Phlailing in phrustration because the Braves (the only ones left who really can dethrone me) are phailing to do so...A moderater who's been locked in an insane asylum telling the rest of us what we ought to do...An African princess who didn't know what the World Series is...A woman who wants to be King rather than Queen...Could it be that I am as insane as the rest of them?"

Suddenly, Vince brightens. "But the Phillies really are in phirst place!" he exclaims. "The rest of you are only imagining things!"