Life_after_death, it can only seem natural to want to gravitate towards the idea of death and finding relief from it when one is suffering in great pain. Undoubtedly you have suffered greatly and you are suffering still. But suffering too has its purpose in molding and shaping us into the very kinds of people who can serve and glorify God.
Romans 5:3-5 states, "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
As Christians we are not exactly called to avoid suffering but to embrace it as Christ embraced His. Now, I don't fully understand the extent of your physical and mental torment so maybe you are right in that your suffering seems unbearable compared with other people. But there were people like Apostle Paul who suffered greatly too (2 Corinthians 24-30), yet in spite of his sufferings he still continued his mission of spreading the Gospel and doing good works while he was still alive.
So when you believe you have disgraced yourself and others because of your "bondage", that's not all there is to the story. Your life is more than that. Remember, you are a precious child of God whom Jesus willingly sacrificed Himself for you on the cross. The narrative of your life can be a whole lot more than just living in pain and disgrace, only to have it cut short through suicide.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
You might question what God could possibly have in store for someone who suffers greatly and perhaps Job would have agreed with you too! But as we know from the story of Job and other men and women from the Bible, God has a plan for each of us even if we can't picture it clearly at the moment. Our very existence and presence in this world serves a mighty purpose of our God.
Earlier, you were asking whether committing suicide will compromise your salvation. I think you already know the answer to that, yet you were seeking an alternative answer from others. Suicide is a means to sabotage your eternal relationship with God. It is an act of self-murder which goes against God's commandment (Exodus 20:13).
If your very last act on this earth involves you killing yourself you are in essence telling our Lord, "God, your whole idea of creating me sucks! Your plan of letting me be born with an eternal soul and to live on this earth to build relationship with you and other Christians sucks! Your whole divine plan for whatever you intended for me-- but now I don't even know what that plan was supposed to be-- sucks too! Maybe you wanted me to do really amazing things to bring glory to You, but oh well! *Shrugs* I chose to end it all abruptly, so here I am! Tada! Now, are you going to let me in to heaven?"
What do you suppose God will say in response to this?
While I empathize with you, Life_after_death, I hope and pray that you will reconsider and choose life-- the life that God created and intended for you. Praying that the Holy Spirit will give you clarity of mind to see things from God's perspective and that His unconditional love for you will be sufficient enough for you.
