Religion

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News for the Godless: religion is inescapable. There has never been a human society
without some form of worship. And don’t point to communist societies like the Soviet
Union--they worshiped blue jeans. Of course, beatniks, peaceniks, and no-goodniks
question why we need religion. “Imagine,†they crone, “there’s no countries. It isn’t hard,
it’s true. Nothing to fight or kill for, and no religion too.†You may find that idea
appealing because it rhymes. But so does this: “God said to Noah, there’s gonna be a
floody-floody / Get those children out of the muddy-muddy†And mine rhymes four
times.

The “children†mentioned in that Bible verse didn’t think they needed religion either, and
look what happened to them (drowny-drowny). Bottom line: religion is the cornerstone of
civilization. Without it, we’d have no laws, no morality, no social structure, and no
guidelines for furnishing our tabernacles. We would exist in a state of valueless depravity,
like they do in Holland. (Note to self. When posting this in a Dutch forum, change to
“Belgiumâ€)

Good news-religion exists. And so mankind can benefit from its numerous gifts.

Law: The Ten Commandments are the basis of our entire system of justice. Without them
we wouldn’t have laws, and without laws there’d be chaos. Lying, stealing, murdering,
adultery, idol worship, and coveting are out. Parent-honoring and Sabbath observance are
in. By the way, if you’re reading this on your religion’s Sabbath, you better have a
non-beleiver there scrolling down the page for you, because when it comes to the T.C.s,
I’m an originalist. That means, if a neighbor takes so much as a covetous glimpse at my
wife, I’m looking for my lucky stoning hat. It’s made of stone (so I blend in)

Morality: Religion lays our clear definitions of good and evil, distinguishing good
deeds--â€solids†in Biblibcal Hebrew--from sins. Think about it: Without this guidance
and reward/punishment system, how would we know that it’s actually good to give
charity to beggars? Plus, without the concept of Right and Wrong, we’d have no cowboy
movies or cop shows because there’d be no bad guys--just guys, and Good & Plenty
would just be Plenty

And forget about karaoke. I mean, “(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don’t Want to Be Right.â€
is my go-to crowd pleaser, but who wants to hearâ€(If Loving You is Okay) Then, Okayâ€?

Social Cohesion: Religion gives communities reasons to come together and build bonds
through shared participation in rituals. Admit it--people would never speak to anyone
outside of their immediate famalies if not for mandatory pilgrimages to holy rocks or
watchings virgins’ hearts get carved out atop their ziggurats.

Hope: I beleive it was the tiger-philosopher Hobbes who described human life as
“solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.†Religion allows us to ignore all that by praying.
When we appeal to our deities with a slaughtered ewe, or prostration, or in the case of
Hare Krishnas, airport conga line, we exert some control over our existence and are filled
with hope that God may improve it. Otherwise, we’re just chanting our deepest desires
into a silent, indifferent void. How depressing would that be?

Meaning: Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the
world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery
Channel special on butterflies. And what’s on next? A show about tornados. Who made
such a harrowing program schedule full of seemingly random destruction? It was God’s
will.

Responsibility: Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it
away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our
actions, we’d be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the awy, we can feel
confident in our choice to picket our children’s elementary school when we find our the
art teacher is gay.

Immortality: If you’re good, you don’t “die.†It’s my favorite gift of religion, because it’s
the most practical. For instance, I got that PBS Civil War series on DVDs last Christmas
but I havn’t had time to watch. (I can’t wait to see how it turns out.) But thanks to
religion, after I depart my earthly body I’ll have eternity to watch those DVDs with
Abraham Lincoln. He ought to be able to tell me if Ken Burns got it right. Once again, a
reporter who failed to interview anyone who was actually there!

So, now that you understand religion’s gifts, you can understand why America chose to
be a Godly nation, and by Godly, I mean Jesusly.

Religion in Ameirca--Make no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of
our theodemocracy is our Judeo-Christian values. That term, by the way, is a bit of a
misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. That makes about as much
sense as comparing Jesus to Moses. One of them could walk on water; the other one
could part it. Which one seems more Christian to you? Think of “Judeo-Christian†like
“Sears, Roebuck & Co.â€--Judaism is Roebuck. The “& Co.â€? Unitarians

Now, the Secular-Progressives out there are going to say “Hold on. Wasn’t America
founded on the ideas of Enlightenment thinkers like Hume and Paine?†Common
misconception. Who landed on Plymouth Rock? Pilgrams. And the only reason they got
on the Mayflower was to flee religious persectuion. That means they had a religion:
Christianity. And thank God they did. If it wasn’t for Jesus’ message of love in their
hearts, do you think they would’ve taught the Indians that “maize†is really called “corn�
Thank you Jesus.

We hear a lot about how the founders created a so-called “wall of seperation between
church and state.†The myth of such a wall is exacerbated by our Constitution’s
confusingly worded First Amendment:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion...â€

Many point to these words as somehow prohibitng the establishment of Christianity as
our natural religion. But if the founders were so anti-Chrisitan, how come the
Constitution never mentions evolution? It’s “We the People†not “We the Ape-People!â€

And even if I’m wrong, just because “Congress shall make no law†doesn’t mean that we
can’t establish a religion. It just means we’ll have to do without Congress. An executive
order, perhaps?

So, to sum up: America is a Christian nation. ANd as the old Negro spiritual says, “This
Train is bound for Glory, this Train.†Folks, America is riding the Jesus Train.

Attention travelers: Please note that the Jesus Train is NOT the Crazy Train or the Night
Train or the Midnight Train to Georgia. There’s a big difference. Check your tickets
before boarding.

Holy war. Huh! What is it good for? Absolutley everything--training and equipping
fighting men in the field goes a long way to winning any armed conflict. But if you really
want to tip the scales in your favor, get God on your side.

Look no father than the words of Lieutenant General William G. Boyskin, U.S. Deputy
Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, who described our victories over our terrorist
enemy thusy: “I knew my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God
and his was an idol.â€

That should be carved in the lead of every bullet fired out of every American gun. Too
long to fit though. How about this:

“My God can beat up your godâ€

Because He can! Take a look:

The Official Win-Loss Record of the Judeo-Christian God
_______________________________________________________________________

The War in Heaven (Lucifer’s Rebellion)--Lucifer leads 133,306,668 fallen angels
against God’s 266,613,336 good angels. Not suprisingly, God wins, because God was on
God’s side.

God:1, Not-God:0

Israelites vs Cannanites--Joshua blows a trumpet, and the walls of Jericho fall. Later, the
sun stands still at Gibeon and the moon in the valley of Aijalon so the Israelites can defeat
the Amorite ings. But mabye the atheists are right--mabye it was all just a coincidence.

God:2, Not-God:0

The Crusades--The Crusades lead to the Knights Templar; The Knights Templar lead to
the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret soceity that controls world
governments, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry
afloat. I’d say God won this round.

God:3, Not-God:0

The Hundred Years’ War--With God’s help, Henry V wins the desisive battle at
Agincourt in 1415 against the idolatrous French, giving the English control of the north
and west of France.

God:4, Not-God:0

The Hundred Years’ War II--With God’s help, Joan of Arc lifts England’s seige of
Orleans, giving the French control of the north and west of France.

God:5, Not-God:0

The Fall of Constantinople--When the Muslims took over Constantinople, it wasn’t
because God was on the Ottoman Empire’s side. He was just mad at the Byzantines for
breaking off from the Catholic Church over the addition of the world “filioque†to the
Nicene Creed in 1054. Hey guys, “You schism it, you buy it.†Sorry, I’m still a little
bitter.

God:6, Not-God:0

Revolutionary War--Sorry, Great Britian, but if you go up against “One nation, under
God,†you’re going to get your ass handed to you twice as hard. (Historico-linguistical
note: At this point, “God†became synonymous with “America.â€

God:7, Not-God:0

The Civil War--Since America was on both sides, whichever way this thing went,
everyone knew it would be a windfall for the Lord.

God:8, Not-God:0

World War I--God wasn’t sure which way to go here--lots of Christians on both sides--so
He sat it out for the fear of tarnishing His perfect record. But then in 1917 America joined
in, so He had no choice. He won it, then retired, amking this officially The War to End
All Wars.

God:9, Not-God:0

World Warr II--God got forced out of retirement by the taunting of Japanese Shinto spirit
dieties. Germany joined with the Japs (bad mvoe by them), and God killed Socialist
PResident Roosevelt so Truman could drop The Bomb

God:10, Not-God:0

Korean War--Technically not a war--a “police action.†Doesn’t count. Although you
don’t see me typing this in Korean. So, really...

God:11, Not-God:0

Vietnam--You can’t say God lost Vietnam. The Democratic Congress lost it, by refusing
to fund God’s war. He may be omnipotent, but He’s not made out of money.

God:11, Not-God:0, Democrats:-1

Iraq--Once again, God won the war. He just doesn’t occupy very well.

God:12, Not-God:0, Democrats:-1

So it’s clear that when you follow God, you’re riding on the winning train, but if you
want to go first class on ChrisTrak, there’s only one way to go.

 

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Roman Catholicism! Jesus founded only One Church and it wasn’t Unitarian. He took
His apostle Simon and made him into a rock and built a church on him. It’s called “the
Holy Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church,” or “Church” for short. Simon says “Pray!”

Catholics have many advantages over other Christians. One is marble. For the buck I put
into the collection plate, I want some production value. That means a church, not some
community center that doubles as a basketball court.

Also, Catholics have saints--more than 10,000 of them. They’re like God’s customer
service reps, and each of them has a specialty. Say you lose your wallet. You could bother
the Creator to help you find it, but if you’re a Catholic you don’t have to. Just pray to St.
Anthony. Finding lost things is all he does. For Eternity. Also, there are times when you
might want to pray to St. Agatha. She’s the patron saint of nrusing and bell-making. If
you’re both a nurse and a bell-maker, that’s one-shop stopping.

Some are put off by the labyrinthine structure of the Catholic dogma, but many of its
rituals are quite beautiful, and not just edited together as a tense, poetic counterpoint to
brutal violence in Mafia filsm.

But mabye you’re not ready to be a Roman Catholic. Well, as the saying goes, “There are
many roads to God.” Some are just more twisty than others. So if you want to get a little
needless exercise, why don’t you try one of these Goat Paths to Nowhere.

Protestantism--This is a variant form of Christianity, or “heresy.”

Protestants don’t make me angry as much as dissapointed. Unlike the world’s crazy
made-up religions, they’re so close to getting it right. They’re a single Pope away from
reaching their full potential. But instead of stepping up and making a commitment to one,
holy, apostolic Church, they’re stuck on this notion of “independence,” of unmediated
faith in Christ. Do you really think God prefers a mess of polyglot, disorganized prayers
over the elegant hand-written Latin epistles from Benedict XVI? As if He doesn’t have
enough to do already without putting your request for an aboveground pool into the Babel
Fish.

So, we get it, Protestants. You’ve had your almost 500-year “protest”--let’s move on.
Martin Luther was probably right to transalte the Bible into German, and I’ll grant that he
may of had a legitamate beef about selling indulgences. But let’s stop living in the past.
Whenever you’re ready, the Church’s doors are always open. We’ll let you back into
eternal salvation, and all you have to do is say a few Hail Marys, feel a little guilty, and
deliver us your massive army of lockstep values voters.

Plus, if you come back into the fold, I’ve got some bargain-basement relics you might be
interested in. I’m talking rare, primo St. Ebrulf shinbone.

That’s my general take on Protestantism. Here’s the blow-by-blow on the major branches

Episcopal Church--Why don’t the Episcopalians just come out and say it? They’re a
bunch of Anglicans. A bunch of Tory Loyalist Brit-o-philes living in our midst, just
waiting for the day America lets her guard down so they can slip tea into our
coffeemakers, bayonet our bald eagles, and reinstate Henry VIII. Let’s keep an eye on
these people

Methodism--What, the Church of England wasn’t heretical enough for you? Don’t be a
Meth-head,

Presbyterians--Presbyterians are identical to Methodists except that one of them says
“debts” instead of “trespasses” in the Lord’s Prayer. Hundreds of years of bitter armed
conflict has failed to resolve this difference. How many more lives must be lost?

Baptists--I’m a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around
spending 8 hours a day in Church every sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to
sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don’t go in for
a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer
my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpet, thank you very much.

Quakers--These folks only produced two things I like--oatmeal and Richard Nixon.
Actually, the rice cakes arn’t bad either.

The Church of Jesus Christ Latter-Day Saints (Mormonism)--To their credit,
Mormonism’s founders did somthing that other self-proclaimed prophets throughout
history never though of: They lived in America. I’ll admit it even makes me a bit
uncomfortable to think that my doctrine was established somewhere as unseemly as the
Middle East.

The Church was founded after prophet Joseph Smith left a lucrative career divining for
treasure to find the golden plates containing the Book of Mormon, which describes a visit
by Jesus to America after He left Jerusalem. Evidently He was ascending to Heaven, got
just above the clouds, and took a hard left.

On the plus side, any guy who’s ever agonized over “boxers or briefs” before a hot date
should consider Mormonism. They have special underwear, so that decision is made for
you. Plus, pre-martial sex is prohibit. Casual sex isn’t really a problem to these guys at
all, even after you’re married. The Church wants you to have 11 kids, so sex is never
going to be casual. It’s going to be work.

And I’ll give the Mormons this: They know which way the wind blows. When America
decided that polygamy wasn’t the way to go, the Mormons changed their ways and
banned it. They had similar changes in policy when public opinion turned against the
traditions of massacring pioners and believing that all negroes are evil. Pretty much
whenever the general populace decides that Mormons are a sinful crazy cult, their leader
receives a message straight from God that makes everything OK. This practice continues
to this day; you can see it in the way that Mitt Romney was pro-choice when he was
running for governer of Massachusetts, but was divinely inspired to beomce pro-life when
he was running for president.

On the minus sides, you could be ex-communicated by Donny Osmond.

Judaism--Now, I have nothing but respect for the Jewish people. Since the Bible is the
100% true word of God, and the Jews beleive in the Old Testament, that means Judaism
is 50% right.

My biggest problem with Judaism is its tradition of literary criticism. Its highest ideal is
to sit around studying day and night. I can’t trust any religion with that kind of book
fetish. As much as I love the Bible, even I can only read so much in one bathroom sitting.
Let alone the Talmund. Seriously, Rashi, every tractate needs a commentary? It wouldn’t
hurt to take a seltzer break once in a while.

Also there’s this whole notion of “Jewish Guilt.” Hmm, sounds familiar. Mabye because
it was originally called “Catholic Guilt”! Quit trying to steal our spot as guilties religion,
Jews. If your mother knew about this blatent theft, it would kill her!

They don’t even need the guilt. They’ve got plenty of other ways to make themselves
miserable. Just look at their holidays. The most important one involves spending a day
not eating and thinking about all the bad things they’ve done. You get the day off from
work, and you spend it moping! Count me out!

Look guys, you need to lighten up. I’ve been to Jewish weddings--I know you can cut
loose when you want to. That thing with the chair is crazy. Let’s bring around a little
more of that.

Also, if you could concentrate on rebuilding that Temple and bringing forth our
Armageddon/Second Coming, we’d really apprectiate it.

With their common devotion to the World of God as revelaed in the Old and New
Testaments, the Christians and the Jews share a common heritage.

Together these Testaments are known as

The Bible: It’s a big book with big words like Abednego. It’s also often misinterpreted.
Here’s all you need to know,

The Old Testament--After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way
for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.

Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean you should
necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman & Robin just because the story
starts over in Batman Begins. The important thing to realize is that both the old and new
stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the
new one The Batman can eat pork.

But in case you don’t have time to consult the Old Testament, I’ve taken the liberty of
summing up the highlights below. This isn’t supposed to be a replacement for the Old
Testament, but if you want to save some shelf-space by tearing it out of The Bible,
printing this out, and replacing it with this, I’m sure God will understand.

The Concentrated Old Testament

 

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Adam and Eve/The Fall of Man--Mankind is inherently sinful. Also inherently trusting of
women and snakes. Fight these instincts!

Cain and Abel--Are you your brother’s keeper? Yes, but that doesn’t mean he can live in
your guest room forever. Get a job, Allen!

Noah and the Flood--All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog,
and you don’t want to know what causes dew (Dew-ing it).

Sodom and Gomorrah--If you wonder what God thinks about sodomy, just ask a
Sodomite. Oh, that’s right--you can’t, because God destroyed them all with fire and
brimstone!

The 10 Commandments--Moses’ greatest achievment, though that beard was a close
second.

David and Goliath--Size doesn’t matter, but temperature does. Come on, put on some
pants!

Book of Job--Bad things happen to good people. Suck it up.

Jonah swallowed by a whale--If you don’t run away from your responsibilities and you
never tell a lie, one day you’ll become a real boy.

Samson and Delilah--Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!

Spoiler Alert! Jesus is the salvation of all mankind!

_______________________________________________________________________
Other Heathens

Shinto-Shinto is a Japanese religion based on the worship of kami, or spirits, which
inhabit everything. So any object or concept you want to pray to, you can. Sometimes the
kami are even stacked up double. For example, each tree has a kami in it, but then there’s
another kami for all trees. So, first strike against this bull-Shint? It’s inefficient. I could
probably run that religion with half its current spirit workforc, provided none are illegal
immigrant spirits. And those savings would get passed directly over to the believer.

Plus, a whole bunch of magical beings based in different parts of nature? That’s not a
religion, that’s Pokemon! Which shoes how Shinto hooks you--once you’ve prayed to a
few spirits, you’ve “gotta catch ‘em all!â€

Hinduism-I’m torn on Hinduism. On the one hand, they believe in karma and
reincarnation, where good things happen to people who do good deeds, and bad things
happen to people who do bad deeds. Then after you die, they took a look at your karma
account, and you come back as somthing better or worse, depending on how you did. I
like this philosophy, because it means if you’re good enough in this life, you can be
reincarnated as a Catholic. And given the amount of good I’m doing now, it’s Next Stop:
Nirvanaville for me.

Also, Hindu gods make fantastic stuffed animals. They’ve got us there. When it comes to
merchandinsing, the Catholic Church doesn’t have anything to compete with a blue
elephant with four arms.

But there’s plenty to be worried about, First off, they got us in the numbers game. There’s
how many people worshipping how many gods with how many arms? Mutliply that
together, and the results are truly terrifying. What worries me more is their injunction
against beef, There’s nothing more mouth-watering than a strong, healthy bovine in the
artificial-hormone-induced prime of life. So what if it could be my great-grandfather
reincarnated? I’d be honored to pass through the colon of my descendants. Give me a
break.

Buddhism-Another go-figure religion. “Hey, why don’t we all just put on robes and sit on
a rook garden and just, like, be aware?†Exactly. That’s the easiest rhetorical question
I’ve ever asked. Buddism instructes it’s followers to forsake attachment to material
things.Go for it guys. That’s just more material things for those of us who have enough
sense to glorify our Lord with speedboats.

And frankly, I’m offended by this idea of the so-called “middle way,†the Buddist
doctrine of avoiding extremes. What’s the point of religion without extremes? You’re
either a believer who’s guarnteed a seat at God’s right hand in the Kingdom of Heaven or
an infidel condemned to boil eternally in a lake of searing excrement. We’re in a Holy
War, pick a side, tubby.

Islam-Islam is the great and true religion revealed in the Holy Koran which was dictated
by the angel Gabriel to the final prohpet Mohammed, Plessing and Peace Be Upon HIm.

Scientology-This fast-growing but controversial religion is attractng some smart people.
At least they seem smart--they certainly know a lot about Scientology!

I know a lot of folks who are quick to criticize Scientology for its secrecy and willingness
to sue dissenters, but you figured out the secret to expunging Engrams from the Reactive
Mind, you’d be protective of it too.

Though I may disagree with Scientology on a number of things--like the notion that
Galactic Lord Xenu exiled Thetans to Earth in spaceships shaped exactly like late 60s-era
DC-8 airplanes, and then stacked tem around the volcanoes and blew them up with
hydrogen bombs 75 million years ago, and the spirits of these Therans now inhabit our
human bodies and prevent us from reaching our full potential--I do agree with their
well-publicized disdain for psychoanalysis. Three hundred bucks an hour and all the gu
wants to do is talk about my mother? Beam me up, Tom Cruise!

Rastafarianism-Any religion that sees 20th century Ethiopian emporer Haile Selassie as a
member of the Holy Trinity is worth our suspicion. Then again, any religion whose
messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat. My
main beef with these folks is that they try to make smoking grass acceptable by labeling it
a “sacrament.†In my book, that gets you raptured right into federal prison camp.

Still, Reggae is pretty good. Makes great background music at the corporate barbecue

Other Crazy Cults-The problem with cults is that they don’t have the balls to be honest
from the get-go. They hide behind phrases like “self-improvement workshop†or “human
potential coach†or “improv class†then they slowly sneak in the crazy stuff so that you
don’t notice. If they had any guts, in the first cult meeting they’d say “You all need to
wear yellow bedsheets and have sex with me twice a day until we get beamed up to a
comet in twevle years. Also, give me all your money.†Then, we wouldn’t have a
problem--the wacky people can still join, and the sensible people can go “Oh, this is just a
cult†and get out of there. I’m not tring to take away anyone’s right to get poisoned in
order to send their spirit to Pluto, I’m just saying they should know what they’re getting
ahead of time.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in
a cult, the answer is yes.

Atheists-these No-goodnik no-Godniks are growing in numbers and power in America. It makes
me wonder how a God could exist Who'd allow people to piss me off so much.

Luckily, a survey published in the American Socialogical Review revealed that athiests
are the least trusted group in America--less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes
sense--at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country,
they're completly deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no
God, If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life
completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding
every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?

What's worse is that athiests blindly follow whatever their scientists tell them to, no
matter how unbelievably fantastical it sounds to rational ears. Yeah, earthquakes are
caused by the shifting of giant unseen plates buried deep beneath the ground. There's no
way it could be God jiggling the globe because people in California commit sodomy. No,
that would be too simple!

Athiests enrage me precisely because they impute everything that happens to the
semi-random workings of the natural world. They refuse to take responsibility for their
actions! If their dog dies, it's because the decay of its cells caused by the aging process
was "meant to be" They'll never stand up and say "I deserved this because I sinned".
Makes me sick just thinking about it

Agnostics-Atheists without balls

 

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Why don't you tell us how you really feel...

"So if you want to get a little needless exercise, why don’t you try one of these Goat Paths to Nowhere."

Classic....